This morning as I got ready for church my heart was heavy but yet ready to sing at the same time. As I analyzed on my life the past couple of days an issue that weighs heavy on my heart (& has been consuming for months) I knew I had to part ways with. Today was the day I lay this at Gods feet for it is too much for me to bear alone.
As I anticipated mass and what the sermon would be I could of never imagined it was meant for me. As the preacher spoke it was like we were having a personal conversation not that he was speaking to the whole congregation. He spoke about brokenness and the beauty in it, reminded us it’s ok to fall. That in those moments of brokenness call on Jesus to help you, have those personal conversations with God. But the one word he said that stood out and in some fashion gave me an overwhelming sense of peace was “SURRENDER”. See for so long starting at an early age I had to take care myself and learn about life and fight for ME. Surrendering was never part of my equation, I didn’t know how and still don’t. But when that word was said I was at peace for the first time in months it was then where I broke down & cried. He spoke of Pslam 139: 23-24 23 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.24 See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. Past couple months I have been hiding my heart and the pain, thinking I could numb with with all the “exterior” solutions but all I really needed was to surrender it! Lastly as he closed he spoke of GRIEF (SIGH) I finally have to grieve and as stupid as it sounds for Michael left me over a year ago I still need to grieve and officially face all these emotions. I realized after the shock phase and denial I started to cover the rest of the emotions that come with letting go. And as his life moved on with out me I let the pain of that numb me again. To walk in your truths again in an essence is scary but in knowing of your surrender feels like a resurrection again. A time to be re-born as who you are meant to be. In the closing pastor referenced Psalm 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. If that wasn’t the perfect ending to our personal conversation I don’t know what would be then. (God works in mysterious ways)